Anybody who finishes an apology with the word ‘but’, and then proceeds to justify their actions, probably isn’t sorry at all.
Justification. Do most people feel so self absorbed they feel the need to justify their actions? Mostly the only time they’ll do it is when they genuinely know they’re responsible for a certain action that probably wasn’t nice, or caused some form of pain, in some way or another. I wish people listened to themselves more often. The ability to self reflect is such a strong value. Just being real with yourself will make you feel better than any sort of justification ever will.
24 days until I arrive in Paris, and a week and a half after that I leave for the U.K. x
I’d like to have a bond with someone in my life, someone thats real. Someone who’s honest, someone who’s themselves completely, and someone who wants someone real just as badly as I do. I guess when it comes down to it we’re all real people, but how much of the way we interact with other people is actually a real, complete and absolutely honest reflection of how we feel? In my life, I’ve had some different Personalities come in and out, some of them severely complicated, and in a weird way I guess I’m grateful. I’m not grateful because these complicated personalities were great people, in fact they are and will always be everything I strive to stay away from, and they’re everything I fear becoming, all in one. Some people don’t acknowledge the way you feel about anything, and thats not to say I need that, to survive, I’m quite fine feeling the way I do and I’m not always looking for some sort of validation. Before I get too negative, I just want to say that there are a handful of people in my life that when I think of them, I know they’re real. They’re in tune, they get it, they value justice, and not in a weird way. They validate the way people feel about things, they’re honest, and they think about all the things you spend your whole life thinking about while in the process of thinking you’re alone in doing so. I say a handful because thats just to be safe, I can actually only think of two off the top of my head, but I know there are a few more then that.
I don’t have a close family, but not many do in this day and age. There are some, but I’m definitely not one of them, and some have it a lot worse than I do, I’m quite sure of that. But I am a product of every little experience I’ve been through in my life, it’s what has made me, Me. “You are the sum of your experience’s”, you really are.
A few weeks ago, my best friend died. It happens, I don’t think it’s natural, but regardless of that, it’s the world we live in. I’ve been a total recluse since then, more so then usual, but I can honestly say that the last few weeks of my life have been the most lonely few weeks in a really long time. An “emotional roller coaster” that I just have not enjoyed. One thing I’ve noticed in the last few weeks, is that the aspects of one’s personality really start to show when someone you love dies. You really start to see how much of a feeling person they are, how much of a thinking person they are, how understanding or not they are, and how selfless or self absorbed they are. Death is so unnatural in fact, that nobody can say anything or do anything to make you feel better at that point in time. You just need to ride it out, in your own way. There’s nothing anyone can say to make it better. After hearing the words, ‘I’m sorry’, countless times in the last few weeks, I’m really starting to actually ask people why they’re sorry. They don’t know why they’re sorry, they just say it because it’s one of those things people think they’re supposed to say in a situation like that. It’s ignorantly thoughtless, but it isn’t their fault either. People ask you how you are, when they know you’re not good. It puts you in a position to have to talk about it, and that’s the exact opposite of what you want at that point in time. All of those things aren’t purposefully hurtful, and the people saying and asking those things don’t even know how thoughtless they are most of the time. But it’s just another reason as to why we, as humans, are so incredibly far from ‘Real’. We say things our subconscious tells us to, because society has taught us its acceptable to do so.
When I’m asked, I straight away think of the motives behind the question. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind to question everyone and everything all the time, but then I realise that I’m only like that because of the amount of dishonest people I’ve had in my life.. I don’t know how else to be. Do they really care how I am? Or do they just ask me how I am to make themselves feel better? Or because they think they’re supposed to? As far as the relationships I’ve had in my life, as very few as they are, two in fact, I can certainly say that neither of my ex partners fulfilled me, and thats a fact of life, lots of people go in and out of relationships without fulfilment. But I haven’t had that attachment to anybody because I haven’t found those qualities I so deeply search for in someone, to be present in anyone I’ve been interested in from a physical point of view. After all the dishonesty in my life, I haven’t had that security in any relationship that made me feel like I could grow old with that person without going through all the things I learnt to escape from when I was growing up. The dishonesty, the invalidation of the way you feel, and the absence of understanding of one’s experiences. I know that when I do find someone who longs for somebody as real as I do, I know I’ll give them my all, I’ll equally return their love, if it is given to me. I’ll seek their interests and needs ahead of my own. I’ll have that contentment of being able to grow old with them, as old fashioned as that sounds. I’ll be comfortable in silence with them, and we’ll share that mutual respect and honesty that is so rarely found in relationships.
I’m not looking, and I really don’t care if I don’t meet this person for years to come, because I really am comfortable with my own company. I do however, long for someone real, just a friend, who’ll treat me as real as I treat them. Because of the qualities I look for in people, I guess that makes me lonely, by the worlds standards. I spend a lot of time by myself because of it.
I know I’ll always be a product of the idea’s I’ve been raised with, so I’ll always have some form of influence by society and its expectations, to an extent, not because I give in to be, but because I simply have no choice. But I do know that I try as hard as I can to be Real, and I long for the day I meet someone who values that.